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When I taught school, the one night of my year that I somewhat miss is Parents’ Night. I met the parents and shook their hands like an espionage spy. They had no clue, that I was learing a lot about them. For example, I found out from just shaking hands with my parents who not to call because it wouldn’t matter. I did call anyway and found I usually didn't need to bother. Or I learned who to call. I even learned something about my husband who used the power handshake. Used. He didn't realize this in himself and corrected the matter. All this and more was garnered by the proverbial handshake.
According to The Secret Language of Success by David Lewis (By the way, it is agreat book on nonverbal communication.), the handshake comes from the approach to prove you come unarmed or weaponless. Since the right hand was the expected weapon hand, it was presented to show your intentions. In Roman times, men gripped forearms to prove nothing was stashed there. Over time, the handshake became the “seal a deal” method likely because literacy wasn’t that great and an ‘X’ on the document and handshake made the deal. Even today a handshake agreement still has its impression. If we made an agreement and shook hands on it and then I broke my end of the deal, what comes first to your mind. “But…but we shook on it!” It's a powerful tool still today.
What fascinates me about handshakes is the wide variety and what they tell about a person. The perfect, basic handshake is very simple. Keep your hand dry and apply moderate pressure, hold for about six seconds, have full contact with the palm, and cast a sincere glance to the person. Sounds simple but add a little stress and bingo. You have character.
There are uncomfortable handshakes…dirty, torn nails, infectious cuticles, soggy palms, pillowy soft, weak hands. A business man's handshake may be firm but soft skinned. A hard callused hand could indicate a laboror like a mechanic whose hands are stained with grease. A musician’s hands my not be callused in the palm except on the finger tips. Not only that, but their fingers are very strong.
But, it’s not just how the hand feels in your palm but more importantly it's how the person uses it. Anxiety causes a moist handshake. So, the nervous person usually shakes your hand quickly and lets go as if burned. There is the vice-grip handshake…the bone crusher. Big brothers and some fathers and corporate heads use this as a sign of power over another person, bringing their victim to submission.
The opposite is found usually in women…the nothing handshake. No grip at all! Meaning no commitment at all. I had a few mothers use this one. And another handshake common to women is allow you to grip only their fingers, implying you may kiss my hand. Now, be cautious of this one. It could mean you both reached and gripped too quickly. It may have been proper in ancient history for a woman to greet a man in such manner but not today. A woman who wants to be successful can not use this handshake. I found this more in my female students and had to teach them how shake hands with confidence to make a better impression.
Contact in a handshake can be quirky. He who lets go first, submits. He who lasts longer wins. So, the release needs to be mutual. This is a hard judgment call. Eye contact is the release button here. However, in the quick, sweaty, nervous, or wimpy, feminine handshake could mean ‘I want out of this engagement and fast!". Or,tmatters may turn into a domination game where neither handshaker will let go and submit. They just stand there, talking and shaking hands.
There’s the I Am God hand shake…the power handshake. When this happens, the two individuals shake hands, one turning the other’s hand UNDER his. This is typical for corporate heads, male or female. He whose hand turns over to the floor, loses. Think wrestling here.
Then there is the office wimp who greets you, his/her hand reaches out with the back of his/her hand already facing the floor like a dog rolling over on his back. Instant total submission.
And there is the powder puff handshake. Their hand fits into your palm perfectly except the palms never meet. A gap is left between palms the size of a powder puff, indicating usually that this person is wiithholding until they are confident that all is well. Sales people use this often.
The over-zealous salesperson may not only grips your hand fully but grabs the back of your hand with his other hand. This is called The glove. You are mine, kinda thing. Politicians, sales people, and ministers like this one. Now, watch the second hand and how far up from the hand this hand may travel. The further up your arm means the more intimate this person wants to be. This is not good first time handshake.
So, keep your handshake full bodied where the palms meet, thumbs join, the grip is comfortable, the release is simultaneous, and hands remain vertical. The second hand if used it should be a light touch. Now, go out and shake hands with people and find out how interesting this gesture is. It's fun. Enjoy.
Lewis David. The Secret Language of Success. New York, Carrol & Graf Publishers, 1989. ISBN 0-88184-
(Appeared in MARA Newsletter)
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